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Argue, Arguement, Bradbury, Karney, Kitchen Sinking, LGBT, LGBT social movements, Open Communication, Problem Solving, Psychology, Social Sciences, Social Tools, Stonewall, Stonewall Inn, Stonewall Riot, Stonewalling, United States
English: City wall in Worms, Germany Mike Chapman (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
When trying to solve a problem, it is better to keep lines of communication open. When the lines are open, both parties can be heard and responded to. When another person is talking to you, don’t stop listening or responding like a stone wall. In psychology this may be referred to as stonewalling[1]. It is a bad arguing technique because, when one side of communication is shut down or both it is unlikely that both sides of the story are being heard, and the problem resolved.
To increase the likelihood of resolving the problem, attempt to avoid closing up or causing the other person to close up. Avoid kitchen sinking, it is a dirty arguing technique that tends to close the other person up and discourage them from further discourse. If you notice you or the other person closing up try to change your approach for next time. Once someone stonewalls it is hard for them to break out of that.
Don’t start an argument about the fact that they are stonewalling. If you are arguing about something and the other person is not relenting it can be tempting to jump from flaw to flaw, don’t do that. Unless your main point is about the other person stonewalling you, don’t go there. Changing from your main point to the point about stonewalling is likely to make the person stonewall further.
An easy way to practice using this social tool is to say stonewall when you feel like you are closing up. Tell the other person to do the same but do not call stonewall on the other person. This way you and the other person are not calling each other out but calling yourselves out. This brings awareness to the stonewalling and allows you both to make adjustments. When someone announces stonewalling two things should happen. One, the person who announced it should try to open up before they completely close off. Two, the other person should change their talking style; they now know that the way they are talking now will lead to stonewalling.
[1] (Bradbury and Karney 2010)
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